


Demons (They'll Never Die When I'm Dead)

by RainbowJedi



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide AU, TW: Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 08:31:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6416398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowJedi/pseuds/RainbowJedi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You want to kill yourself and I want to kill myself and we both meet on this bridge that we’re gonna jump off, but we end up talking each other out of suicide” AU<br/>Aka the darkest thing I think I've ever written.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Demons (They'll Never Die When I'm Dead)

**Author's Note:**

> BE ADVISED. TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE. PLEASE READ AT OWN RISK.  
> Title from "Control" by Halsey.

  _This is it._

How is it that just three little words could have so much meaning?

_I love you._

_I hate you._

_I miss you._

Most three-letter words that hold meaning in life involve some sort of other person being addressed by them. But as she repeats the words over and over again, she remembers that the only person she is addressing by saying them is herself.

_This is it._

The cold December air whips Laura’s hair in all directions, making it difficult for the heather gray beanie on her head to stay put. She decides then that it would be easier to just take it off. _It’s not like I’ll need it where I’m going anyway._ Shoving it in the pocket of her pea coat, she continues to make her way along the bridge. Cars and tourists pass her by; the sounds of laughter and amusement still prevalent despite it being nearly midnight. Laura feels a pang of sorrow and she is once again reminded of everything she isn’t capable of having.

Finally, she comes to a stop close to the middle of the bridge. With a sigh, Laura hoists herself up and sits on the railing, looking out over the water. The waves crash against the crags, making her shudder. Her attention turns to her hands which are holding onto the railing with a white-knuckled grip.

_I’m so sorry, dear._

_Diane, it’s really not a big deal. Who cares if you burned dinner? It ended up being a win-win for us anyway because we didn’t have to cook._

_I suppose so._

Her mother was never good with goodbyes. Laura supposes that’s where she got it from. The only indication of where she was going was a simple “Forgive me” scrawled on a napkin from a Chinese takeout restaurant.

“What the hell are you doing?” a voice from behind her suddenly asks, breaking her reverie.

She cranes her head so she can get a better look at the person who so rudely interrupted her thoughts. The girl has her hands on her hips and her chocolate-colored irises look downright dangerous, like she might push Laura off of the bridge herself if she gets the notion to do so. Laura gulps, but otherwise keeps her intimidation hidden.

“If you’re trying to talk me out of it, don’t bother,” Laura says, mentally high-fiving herself for not letting her voice betray her fear.

“Trust me, I wouldn’t,” the girl says, taking a seat next to Laura. “I just want to know whether you’re actually going to jump or just chicken out so I can do my business.”

“And what business is that?” Laura asks.

“It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting on the railing of the Golden Gate Bridge. What do you think?” she says dryly.

Laura gets the hint.

“Laura,” she says, holding out her hand.

“Are you really introducing yourself while contemplating jumping off a bridge?”

“You came out here to jump anyway. It’s not like you have anything to lose by telling me your name.”

After a long pause, Laura hears the girl sigh before reluctantly shaking her outstretched hand. “Carmilla.”

“That’s a beautiful name.”

Carmilla scoffs. “Whatever you say.”

Another moment of silence passes before Laura tentatively speaks up again. “So why are you here?”

“Isn’t that a bit personal there, cutie?” Carmilla asks, raising an eyebrow at the smaller girl sitting beside her.

“Like I said before, what does it matter? We won’t see each other – or anyone else for that matter – ever again. That is, if you don’t count us meeting our maker, which could vary depending on religion? How religious are you? My dad is a Christian so I’ve always kinda based my own beliefs off of that, but not too much—”

“Once you start do you ever stop?” Carmilla interjects.

Laura just shrugs sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me, sweet cheeks. It’s everyone else in your life whom you should probably be apologizing to.”

“What do you think I’m doing out here?” Laura snaps, turning to face Carmilla.

“What?”

“What do you think I’m doing out here?” Laura repeats. “Like you said, what else could I possibly be doing besides giving my apologies to those around me for putting up with me all these years by meeting a well-deserved watery end?”

For once, Laura finds that the snarky girl beside her is capable of being rendered speechless. Then, quietly, she mutters, “I’m sorry.”

Laura sighs. “It’s fine.”

Silence. And then, “My mother died here.”

Carmilla just nods sullenly. “Suicide?”

“I was eleven,” Laura says, nodding. “I was expecting a letter from Hogwarts and instead I got a suicide note from the woman who had tucked me in and told me she loved me before leaving me in the worst possible way.”

The air around them is heavy and it has nothing to do with the chill of the wind. Carmilla pulls a box of cigarettes and a lighter out of her jacket pocket. “Want one?”

“Sure. Why not?” Laura says, shrugging.

She takes the proffered cigarette and Carmilla lights it, immediately sending Laura into a coughing fit.

“You know, when people take cigarettes from me, they can usually handle more than just one hit,” Carmilla says, taking a drag of her own.

“Whatever,” Laura mutters. She attempts another drag, and manages to cough slightly less than before. “You never answered my question, you know.”

“What question?” Carmilla asks.

“About what you’re doing out here,” Laura tells her. Seeing Carmilla’s hesitation, she nudges her with her shoulder. “Come on. I told you my tragic backstory. Now you need to spill yours.”

“Who says?”

“Social protocol dictates that when one person gives some information about themselves, the other person is expected to do the same. It’s how friendships are made.”

“Good to know, Doctor Phil,” Carmilla deadpans. “But I’m not trying to make friends.”

“Neither was I. And yet here we are.”

Carmilla looks at her with raised eyebrows, as if to say, “Seriously?” Laura responds silently in kind with a look that says, “Well?”

After some internal debate, the raven-haired girl takes a long drag of her cigarette and finally relents. “It’s my mother.”

“What about her?”

“I said some things she didn’t like.”

“What did you say?” Laura is quick to ask.

“I fuck girls,” Carmilla states bluntly, chuckling when the girl next to her suddenly gasps a lungful of cigarette smoke in her shock and goes into a coughing fit. “Well, I didn’t exactly put it that way. It was something expressed through actions more than words, actually.”

“So what? Your mom caught you kissing some girl and didn’t like it so now you’re out here trying to kill yourself?” Laura asks incredulously.

“It’s cute how you think I was just kissing the girl,” Carmilla says, snickering. “That was three years ago. She hasn’t really let it go. If I have to have Theo’s disgusting tongue shoved down my throat one more time…” she shakes her head. “Well, you know the rest.”

“Unfortunately I do,” the blonde says. “I’m in the Gay Straight Alliance at Silas University. I’ve seen it numerous times before.”

“Well aren’t you just a regular Diana Prince?” Carmilla bites.

“I like to think I’m more of a Lois Lane-type character,” Laura says with a chuckle. “But that’s beside the point. I meant that I understand.”

“I highly doubt that, cutie.”

“Well you shouldn’t. Your situation isn’t that special. I see it all the time in GSA. Queer people who aren’t accepted by their families, friends, and etcetera. They move on. They get past it. Yeah, some don’t. But do you know what I think? Those are the worst kinds of people. They are the ones who can’t see far enough past their own pain to recognize how much they’d cause others around them if they left. They are selfish.”

“Look who’s talking, buttercup,” Carmilla snaps. “You’re out here too, in case you haven’t figured that one out. Your mother couldn’t handle this life and you’ve decided to make like mommy and make the same choice that she did. You call people like me and your mother selfish, but the truth of the matter is that you’re even considering jumping right now makes you just as bad as we are.”

All of a sudden Laura drops her cigarette and grabs Carmilla by the collar of her leather jacket.

“ _I. Am not. My mother_ ,” she seethes, punctuating each word with a harsh shove against the safety rail of the bridge. She lets go of the other girl’s jacket and smooths out the wrinkles. “I will not repeat her mistake.”

Something changes in the air then. Carmilla’s eyes widen and her expression turns from fearful anger to awe. “You’re too good for this world, Laura.”

“No. I think I’m just good enough,” Laura says seriously. “And so are you.” Their faces are close enough to where Laura can see a glimmer of something – hope, Laura is quick to recognize – in her eyes and she smiles softly. “Come home with me. I have Ghirardelli hot chocolate mix that’s absolutely scrumptious, and I think we both desperately need some.”

“Aren’t you in college? Don’t you have a roommate you’ll be bugging by coming home this late?” Carmilla asks tentatively.

“Perks of living in a single dorm.” Laura’s smile only widens.

“I think I’d like that very much.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> As a survivor of suicide this was honestly so cathartic, however, I refuse to write anything this dark ever again. I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
